I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
