I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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