this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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