I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam š
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being āgoodā and 10 being ābanging a studentās fatherā, how bad is it that Iām banging a studentās father?
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