I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
