That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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