I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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