when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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