It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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