new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My cat gives me a boner
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
