I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
