i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
