I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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