By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
