I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Please don't give away my fajitas
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
