you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
