my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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