biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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