I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
