I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
