I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
