Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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