saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
