he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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