i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
