life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
