I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
