He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
