i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
