Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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