Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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