There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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