Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize