if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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