I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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