yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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