Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
