somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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