birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
