Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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