I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
