do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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