dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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