my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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