I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
