I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize