I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
