My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize