hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
