Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
