Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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