I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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