i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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