what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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