Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
