Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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