I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
