you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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