you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
God, I missed his penis.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
